Pictures in the Mind

I have been practising writing words that give readers pictures in their minds,

A few weeks ago, our whole school went into the hall to watch Mana, The Spirit Of Polynesia.

The performer’s name was Bernard. The first thing he told us he would do was a hoop dance. He also told us that he had to make all sorts of animals and plants using five to seven small plastic hoops while dancing! They looked very hard to dance with! When he started his performance he was just dancing then he picked up some hoops and started to make animals and plants.

The first animal he made was an eagle. He put all the hoops in a position that made it look like they were stuck to his back and his arms and hands. When he made the eagle, he stretched his arms and flapped them gently like a real eagle soaring through the air!

The next animal he made looked pretty hard. The animal was a horse. He then put the hoops in a different position on his body and started to put some of the hoops in his hands. It looked like he was actually riding a real horse! It looked really realistic, and I could just imagine him as a cowboy riding through the wild west.

When that was finished, everybody clapped thunderously loudly. It really did take a long time for people to stop clapping because heaps of the children thought it was amazing.

Well done, Lara. You have used words to give me pictures in my mind. I can see Bernard putting the 7 hoops across his back his arms and his hands. Were his arms and hands stretched out? You need to tell us that. By telling us that he seemed to be riding  real horse, it has helped me to see what it looked like when he had his hoops in his hands. I can hear the applause because you have written that it sounded like thunder.

My Afternoon Walk

Last night, my mum, my dad and I went for a walk around the River Walk with my dog, Poppy.

When Mum and I decided that we wanted to go for a walk, I begged Dad to come with us. He didn’t really want to but he came anyway. He took a long time to clean up the kitchen. Well, knowing him, he is the family chef, after all.
After he had finished cleaning up, we went out the door with me holding Poppy’s lead tightly in my hand.  I knew very well that, when the door was open, Poppy would zoom as fast as a cheetah out the door, and almost make the lead slip out of my hand. To my relief, she zoomed out the door but I had enough grip to hold onto the lead.
When we all got outside, I pointed to the River Walk and asked, “Do we go that way?” 
Mum said, “Yep, we're going there,”  so I ran with Poppy, all the way to the River Walk, until we came across this old keyboard that, for some reason, I thought was haunted, but my dad said it wasn’t haunted, so he tapped one of the keys and said, “It has run out of battery.”
After that, we walked over to the hill that led to the River Walk. I was scared I would slip on the rocky side of the hill so I went on to the grassy side with my parents and walked down with them. 
When we reached the bottom of the hill, I started to run with Poppy along the River Walk path. I stopped, turned around and looked at my mum and dad far behind me. I giggled, then ran back as fast as a racing car, and stopped just in front of them. I said, “Come on, you slow pokes!” Mum and Dad started to walk even faster after that.
When we reached the silver gate, Poppy went under it, which made the lead go under and over so I put the lead under the gate and stepped over it.  Of course, Mum and Dad were too lazy to step over it, so they went around it. I don’t blame them though - it was Poppy’s fault, after all. She always does that.
After a long time of walking, we finally reached our stop. I thought that we would go over the two bridges but that was only in the long River Walk, but we couldn’t go that way because it was too late. We then stepped over the fence and walked down the hill, through the park, and stopped in front of our house.  
When I got inside, I was so exhausted and hot that I just collapsed on the couch and had a great night’s sleep.
I thought that it was the best walk I had ever had.
Well done, Lara. You have shown, in the way you wrote about your walk, that you really enjoyed it. Your recount shows energy because the story moves along and contains phrases such as 'I ran with Poppy', and 'When we reached the bottom of the hill, I started to run with Poppy along the River Walk path. I stopped, turned around and looked at my mum and dad far behind me. I giggled, then ran back as fast as a racing car, and stopped just in front of them. I said, “Come on, you slow pokes!” 

Humour in your personal voice is evident - 'He took a long time to clean up the kitchen. Well, knowing him, he is the family chef, after all.' and 'I knew very well that when the door was open, Poppy would zoom as fast as a cheetah out the door, and almost make the lead slip out of my hand. To my relief, she zoomed out the door but I had enough grip to hold onto the lead.' and 'Of course, Mum and Dad were too lazy to step over it, so they went around it.'

You have used some good pictures in the mind vocab, like 'begged', 'held Poppy's lead tightly in my hand', 'like a cheetah', 'enough grip', 'pointed', 'reached the silver gate', 'stepped' and 'collapsed. Change 'went' to a better verb, and change 'got' to a better verb.

Next Steps:
Think about the events you include in your writing - are they important to the story? In this story, is the part when you found a keyboard and thought it was haunted an important event?

Make a list of alternative endings, then choose the one you like best.

Draw a picture of Poppy going under the silver gate and insert it into the relevant paragraph.